Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Past, Present, and Future.
Past: My past is marked by being extremely confusing and weary. Now, I don't remember most things that happened back then. I know I used to be bullied, and I an vaguely remember those days or the faces of those people. I know it was the whole class upon to a certain grade level, and I've seen them around this small town. I'm a forgiving person...but I guess everyone has their limits. Whenever I see them I act cold towards them and make extremely sarcastic remarks. I remember hurting a lot of people in the process of becoming a better person. I'm not exactly mature...but now I understand- and I know I will get to understand more stuff in the future to come. It's just so weird to be aware of this change...to be aware of the person I used to be. Now I see all the mistakes I made and I look back to my old self- I wish I could bitch slap her and tell her to snap out of it. Many people use the "time machine" line...(If I could go back in time) but to be honest, I guess we can't do much. Somethings are meant to be, others are brought upon ourselves BY our own choice... I've changed so much. I'm still changing. Or maybe it's just the knowledge that has shaped me. I haven't changed, I just know more.
Present: I am characterized as an outsider.. one of those people that can get along with the "popular" ones only if I'm the last resort... and yet I can't hang out with the "weird" ones because I'm another type of odd...For some reason, people never feel comfortable near me. I find myself easy to get along with... but I might be too pushy and I've been making up my mind to behave lately. To be nicer...but then again I don't want to buy friends with fake kindness... I want it to be genuine. But I can't do that if it doesn't come within...So I'm stuck in the same place I started: With the desire to be better but with the doubt from stopping me to do so. People label me as "intimidating" because of my attitude.. but I really don't mean it that way. If it comes out aggressive, it's just because I've been used to harsh treatment, jokes, side remarks, stuff like that... I've gotten better at it. But it's still not enough. I hope one day to master this. My aggressiveness only pays off in a debate, and in contradicting an insult that is aimed towards myself or my friends or anyone at disadvantage. I'm the type of person that stands up for others. Now, I find myself under the dilema of wanting to leave....the yearning for a new scenery, for a new place, for new experiences, for a new life. But...I can't let go of the thing I love the most. The person who 'saved' me from what I used to be. I wasn't a pleasant person for a while..my anger and other feelings translated into a confusing motive to become a disgusting person. I feel safe near that person. I feel accepted as silly as that sounds. It feels like family, since mine has always been too expecting, too rejecting, too seperate. It's awkward for me to be in an atmosphere that is so united.. I'm awkward in any kind of situacion expect reading alone... But people don't see that. I can be confident..but I will always doubt myself..I expect to much..but that person told me I was enough. I believe him more than I believe myself. I know who I am, and I KNOW it's better this way. For the sake of what's left of my sanity. Whether I'll leave or stay, I guess I'll make the best of it.
Future: I have an idea of what I want...and I am sure I will achieve it.. I also desire to be part of a family. A place where I won't be as awkward and I won't have to hide... A calm atmosphere that won't trigger my weird mood swings. I can be happy by myself, and laugh by myself..but it feels empty. I want to have a purpose, something that will make me feel fulfilled. and as strong as it sounds, something that will make my life seem worth it once I die. I don't want to be one of those millions of people that dies and goes unnoticed. As long as I impact ONE LIFE, whether it be an animal or human, I will fulfill my purpose.
Many people wish they could read other people's minds. Well, I just typed out my most sincere feelings. They may be confusing and contradicting, but I'm working them to be straight and understand. I must understand myself before I understand the world. Hope you enjoyed knowing what one person out there in the world is thinking. Maybe I'm walking amongst you, unnoticed. Be aware of what other being is thinking, try to drift away from your own perspective
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