DOMA & My Perspective

So I haven't really given any personal thoughts on this new phenomenon: DOMA being killed by the supreme court.

First off, I hope no one gets offended about my thoughts, remember everyone has a right of speech and if you don't agree with it, then you shouldn't exercise your right. There's no possible way that a contradiction can exist in your views. It just shows your indecisiveness and your hypocrisy. Change of hearts or minds in this case may happen, but you can never stand middle ground.

I've seen religious people screaming that this is the end of the world because of the decision.
I honestly see no difference in history.
People have said we are in the age of technology, however we still can't assure equal rights...
If you ever try to do something against someone's rights, then you shouldn't have you rights either.
Who are you to take other rights away that don't belong to you? The decision is theirs, not yours. If you decide something then exercise it by SHOWING the difference in your actions.
An example? Don't like gay marriage? Teach your children about it, and don't marry someone of the same sex as you.. It's sad to know that your children might by biased BUT true understanding will come to those who are willing to see further from the censorship or prejudice that has been imposed on us.

Want an example of that? I come from a highly traditional catholic family who is pretty hardcore up to date.

Now I am not favoring religion or people who pursue same-sex marriage, I'm speaking in favor of rights in general.

Some time ago, women didn't have any rights. Female protesters should think about this, women, you wouldn't even be able to SPEAK if you didn't have any rights. Long ago, the 'bible' or religion dictated that women had a certain role and it was definitely NOT waving signs and condemning people to hell just because they happen to love someone of the same sex...

People seem to use the bible and religion as an excuse for the things they don't seem able to understand or tolerate. That's sad. It makes all the religious people who are truly tolerant and jesus-loving seem bad. I can assure you, not all religious people are spending half of their time condemning people to hell or at protests.

Social problems SHOULD be eliminated IF we want to make our society prosper. Why is it that men produce less every time? Sure, we've all heard of that one kid that went to Harvard at 16, but WHY CAN'T IT BE US OR SOMEONE WE KNOW? Why does everything have to be scarce? (Literature, Music, Science, etc).

Everyone deserves rights.
You can't ruin it for other people.
But I guess that's the flaw in democracy.
I'm not advocating another form of government, but sometimes when society and the masses are taken into consideration over the individual great minds are lost.

I just wanted to talk about this..

Metal on my maxillary molars.

So, completely out of topic, I saw this picture, and this is what I think whenever my boyfriend says he doesn't like harry potter:


And yes, it's from 9gag, which I often visit for a good laugh.
Anyway, today I went to the orthodontist right? since I have braces, and I WAS VICIOUSLY TORTURED!
I was getting metal on my maxillary molars which looks something like this:

on this molar:

and yes, it HURTS. Because first the put the top metal thingy to see it fits, and if you're a weirdo like me with teeth that are also weirdos, then the orthodontist assistant or technician will have to try it like 5 to 6 times which is all very painful. First of all, it sinks into your gums. and YOU have to bite it down with this little tool and then they're all like open..bite.....open....bite... and IT HURTS. Then the person who did this to me got parts of my cheek stuck and IT HURT EVEN MORE. Now I have to go back to eating soft and cold food once more, since its rather pointy and it keeps scraping my cheek and I can't do much until my gums toughen up. I feel just like the first month when I got my braces AND I would live side by side with the metallic taste of blood because my braces would tangle up (I guess) with my inner lip somehow while I slept. (It still happens, but I don't bleed). 

If you EVER get braces, don't eat hard food. and eat lots of Popsicle, they were heaven when I had my wisdom teeth removed and my braces for the first month.

Yes, I may seem like a BIG crybaby, BUT I will prove to you I am not.

How?

I got my 4 wisdom teeth removed. AT THE SAME TIME.

Yes, I know, I'm brutal.

AND yes, it was painful. I looked like a chipmunk. I'm rather small, so my sister would say I looked like a bobble head, with a big face (because my cheeks were all swollen) and a small body. 

I will tell you all about my struggles with braces AND I will show off that I GOT A JOB.

My doctor thinks I'm suicidal, since I went I think it was yesterday...for a physical and a shot (which I already had, free pain yay!) and well the blood needed for the physical hurt.

YOU CAN NEVER EVER SEE MY VEINS! 

I can't even look at them taking blood because I WILL FAINT, so the nurse is all covering my eyes, and searching for the vein, once she found it she pressed it rather to hard and it was difficult not thinking about the pain.

I looked something like this:

 with my hand down of course. and hair on my head.
without the beard....
and the muscles.

Finally, touching the job subject, I'm going to work at a perfume shop:D it's really close to the college I'll be attending, so that's a plus. BUT, I happen to have allergies, which is why my doctor thinks I'm odd. But I neeeeeeed the job. So I'll give it a shot. I spent all last night looking up the different types of perfume and selling techniques so I can look educated on the subject. Also I think I might attend a math camp at my college so I could go straight into taking calculus instead of taking college algebra and pre cal. The thing is I need to talk to my employer first. DAMN! already asking to be one hour late in order to attend class in the first day of work. If it doesn't work out (which I hope it does), then I guess I'll look for another job.  I really need the money.
I shall leave you with two cat pictures, and I will recount everything about how my job went, enjoy the cat pictures.

Stupid and sensual windows 8

So apparently I get home and my stupid laptop is throwing one of its trautums.
Did you know, my fellow american internet-users, that windows 8 enables and disables by itself, including the wireless adapter?

God damn you windows 8.
I had to be THAT weirdo who's STILL connected to her wifi router.....
NO OFFENSE, BUT ANYWAYYYY
I found out how, with youtube's infinite wisdom,
and now I am blogging.
Tomorrow I will go job hunting downtown with the charming asians  who happen to be oblivious at selling rat poison..
for example,
I LOVE to get lost in their stores, it's fun, you never know what you might find there,
so I got and I find some rat poison, with a smiling rat that has X's for eyes.
I don't thing the grasp the concept of rat poison... anyways, maybe I'll even learn mandarin. Cool huh?

My life other than that is trying to get my ipod to work.. I will explain my brilliant achievement of getting it to work once I get it to work....

Killer eye-lash curler

So I want to recount or recap or however you type it, how I got cuts under my right eye. I was putting make up, in epic mode {rushed}, then dussdenly I hear something crunch within my eye lash curler, and I start to use it, then as I'm aobut to use it IT FliiiiiEEEEEEEES. and it claims part of my skin, making me bleeding. that little devil broke and it took part of my underneath eye skin with it.
God damn it, why does everything happen to me or those types of things happen to me? just like the time I cut myself with a potato peeler.

back from the ashes.

what's up? have you guys ever felt that you need some friends because they meant the world to you, then suddenly they decide its best to ignore you? well I would call, but my phone is dead. I've been bad at memorizing phone numbers all my life, so I have no idea of their number. So I guess this is it. I just hope they understand what it means. I do. I understand it means I failed them somehow and even all their words that our friendship meant more than what it is were false. I guess cowardice is really blocking someone without teling them why. Friends are hard to come by, but i know I'll make more. maybe not the same ones who laughed with me, and ignored me until the last day like last year, but i guess. Things change and people change editor-san. I just hope one day you don't regret your decision, like im regretting mine of not looking for you and not talking to you on your page because then you blocked me, and try to add me like one of my friends some four years back. I really thought this would last forever, I guess not.
Time to move on.


So on another note, I havent found a job and its sad sad but oh well. I'm thinking about getting a job in my local downtown even two if I have to. I have to attend college orientacion soon, and a chose a date that was really far off so I dont have to find certain people. I'm thinking about transfering to another college.  by that will come later. so far I've spent time with my time with my boyfriend who has chastisied me about being depressed about my friends. well 'friends'. So he gave me back my ipod and let me download books into it. I feel like such a pirate. So ive been gathering music and books to fit it into my back pack. Also I have to retrieve the sd memory card with pictures of my 'friends'. good think i still have that picture that I was supposed to delete of the year book amongst other face shots. {ooops} meanwhile I will cry to those pictures.


I can't wait to start orientacion and meet new people or old people. I've been talking to some of my old best friends lately and they seem chill. I even found out one of my friends had a wedding or more like is going to have one. good for her, and I wish her the best. I won't be able to attend though, I'm  a little too far.

I've been waiting to go see the Great Gatsby, which certain friends said we were gonna go, which they probably went without me anyway, so I guess I'll watch it alone or with my boyfriend. Right now, I'm craving lots of candy and even a cake. God damm it , that¿s why I'm fat.

I've been having to deal with myself alot but sooner or later I'll get over it. once I get a job i'll buy a smartphone and I'll be able to blog more. I still haven't gotten used to windows 8 on my new laptop.

'stay tuned' i guess for more updates.

Return at last pt.2

FIGHTS WITH MY MOTHER:
So today the first thing she tells me is that I should take a bath, when was the last time I took a bath because I 'looked dirty'. My response was, I took a bath in the morning, I didn't realize my color was so dark. Then she said, go away, you're bothering me. My sweet dear mother.

MY CELL PHONE DIED:
So I've had my cellphone for about three or four years now. I'm not the owner of a smartphone, but a generic Samsung that was practical UNTIL TODAY. It decided to die out on me TODAY the day Express said the would call me tomorrow. Life is a bitch to me, I hope I hit jackpot in the lottery one of these days because my luck for everything else is TERRIBLE. So I guess I'll replace it. Not with a smart phone, but with a practical flip phone that is not only CHEAP but will serve its purpose. I have an ipod touch to deal with the music issue which is all that I truly need. Whenever I have money to spend and that's if I EVER have money as a college student, I'll buy myself an the newest smartphone on the market. meanwhile, I'll mark my priorities and that's paying for college without resorting to working at the same fast food restaurant my mother works at - I don't want her criticizing me EVEN at my work.

FIGHTS WITH MY MOTHER:
I hope the end. It's either the end or me leaving. I really hate it that she would place that man over me. I guess it's time to make my priorities also.

EXPECTATIONS & PROSPECTS I FEAR I WON'T LIVE UP TO:
One thing I've been talking about with my boyfriend is marriage. For many reasons I can't discuss here that doesn't include pregnancy which is impossible. It does involve, however, a job for him. Yet, a lot of things have passed over this year that has just started. I want to believe everything happens for a reason..and I always cry my eyes out when I remember my secret. I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be with him until he had a wedding ring ready- I want to do that right at least. It would be best for both of us. Or even if he signed the papers...I would be happy. I just can't bring myself to face something that won't be done in spite of a promise. I want it to be absolute. To be sure. I want stability and assurance. I know  that it can work. Even happily after some years. I hope he feels the same way.

Finally, my career isn't going to be an easy one let alone college. I know I can pull through. However, I'm a wreck when I'm in an environment without trust. I need to know I can trust in the people around me. If I can't, then I become a mess. I start doubting even myself.

Return at last. pt.1

So my days have been hell and stuff is only getting worst.

In chronological order I will talk about the following things, probably in two different posts so one doesn't drag on forever... that's just lame and boring.

so the magical list:

• Graduation Disaster 
• Fights with my mother
• Loosing two friends at once
• Hunting for a job
• Fights with my mother
• My cell phone died
• Fights with my mother
• Expectation & prospects  I fear I won't live up to.

So let's divide the whole thing by a nice little line shall we?

• Graduation Disaster 
• Fights with my mother
• Loosing two friends at once
• Hunting for a job

------------------------------------------------------------------

• Fights with my mother
• My cell phone died
• Fights with my mother
• Expectation & prospects  I fear I won't live up to.

Let's start with part one.

GRADUATION DISASTER:

Due to the beautiful storm we had during our graduation that was supposed to be outdoors, they had to change it to an ugly high school gym that would mean limiting the amount of people that could attend to your graduation. We'll obviously my family has first priority, so I told my boyfriend not to go. It turns out that they weren't checking the people and my boyfriend was pissed. Additionally, I tried to talk to one of my closets best friend but she wouldn't notice me much. I guess that's when it all started. I looked for my other friend but I couldn't find her amongst the crowd, and my family overwhelmed me and wanted to take millions of pictures with me and stuff like that.

Before the graduation I had an awful fight with my mother about my future and why I needed a job. 

We also got in a fight during my birthday which I only spent half of it with her because she was her usually 'charming' self. I can't stand when people get sarcastic to the point of throwing insults at you with no pity whatsoever. oh well.

Fights with my mother:

self explanatory, and they only happen more often and get worst. I'm thinking about moving out. I know I sound like the typical teenager, but I do know what it is to live without your parent's money. I'm waiting until I have a second job confirmed so I can sustain myself and live with my father who works most of the time and lives in a dangerous neighborhood and goes on business trips every week and only comes back for the weekends or with my boyfriend who would also get a job. My life with my mother has turned into a constant tug-a-war in which her main concern is her second husband, my step father the person I nicknamed the 'thing'. She has admitted openly that her first responsibility isn't that of a mother's but that of a woman, unlike my grandmother who never divorced in spite of the endless fights and hatred with my grandfather, for the sake of her children. I can't be in a place where they expected me to do all these things, and still be treated without trust. I need to gain my own responsibility and I have to find trust within myself. I can't seem to find it anywhere else but with those who have supported me through my hard times- one of my friends who is quiet but beautiful and my boyfriend. Only they know the secret that I've been keeping all this time and will probably take to my grave. 

LOOSING TWO FRIENDS AT ONCE:

People often say you can make friends easily. The truth is, these friends were indispensable to me, even if they didn't know my secret. But you see, they couldn't  possibly know. Sometimes we keep secrets because they're so big you're afraid of the effect they might have or what they could truly possibly hold. I mean- they've altered your reality already.I haven't lived a single day without thinking about that secret...I sleep thinking of it I wake thinking of it, hell It's just so ever preset I can' brush it off. But more people CAN'T possibly know it. How would they take it? I don't even want to think about it. These friends meant a lot. I would probably be talking to them if they hadn't blocked me from facebook which I think is what happened. I know a way to reach one of them, but I won't. That person doesn't want her identity to be endangered in any way and I won't. I guess I'll wait until they feel like talking to me. If it never happens or its too late then I guess. I hope you know who you are, and if you're reading this, I need you desperately. But I won't beg. I needed a sincerely 'happy birthday' - one that did not loathe me or wanted to see me fail so much... You don't know what it felt to be at a place were half of them were betting on your failure and hell they were right! They just don't know it...

Even the person I loved the most turned his back on me that day. I pulled myself through. We would've talked about a million things, played Uno until one of us got mad, and then laughed at it all..

I guess things don't last forever huh?

Forgive me okay? I don't know how else to reach you.

I hope I got my message through..and don't be disappointed in me.

I'm learning how to get by the hard way. I hope you make lots of friends who won't treat you like I did.

But I do hope they bake lemon bars for you.

HUNTING FOR A JOB:

I went to an interview at Express today. They offered me 15 hours a day. My first thought; DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE OF STARVATION? My second thought: HOW IN THE WORLD AM I SUPPOSE D TO PAY FOR COLLEGE WITH THAT MISERABLE PAY? and my last thought in that half-second: I NEED A SECOND JOB IF I GET HIRED, HELL MAYBE A THIRD ONE....

If I'm seriously thinking about leaving my lovely nest.. I'll need cash bro. and two jobs. Good thing that where I'm gonna live it's going to be cheaper... but still I need money to save up for college and stuff stuff stuff. Maybe clothes. No, COLLEGE. Nah, maybe a pet sugar glider.Yeah, pet sugar glider then college:3

So I applied at petco and other places...including walmart. I've always wanted to be a night stalker I mean stocker. It seems fun and endless. My type of job. The best thing? People won't be asking for shit since I'll be the one at night:D expect that one weirdo that needs to urgently buy ONE type of tape they only sell at wal-mart... (yes I did that) or if they need batteries or a random SD card (Yes, I also did that) OOR if the jsut felt like having munchies (guilty of that also). 

I just hope I can get a good job at another place. 

I hope I got the job at Express.

I'm confident I did;)

iF not plan* B.

I AM JUST KIDDING!*

Poles...possible infections...FUCK THAT SHIT, I'LL BECOME A MATHEMATICIAN! 

Anyway you want it.

Hola people. So I haven´t posted anything lately, but my day started of with a job offer from a clothing store called Express. Pretty cool huh? looks like I will be able to pay for college after all, you know, poor people and stuff. Recently I haven't been in touch with my 'friends'. you could say they forgot about me. I haven't forgotten about them. I guess it sucks taht they haven't said anything about your birthday and yet they say that they care about your friendship and yes you know who you are. you're probably even reading this now. You said we were okay. I guess we're not if you insist in still ignoring me and forgetting me during graduation. I'll wait but I won't beg. I kept my promise but you didn't keep yours. and that's that.

My flash drive doesn't work apparently and I'm writting from a run down computer who has a nasty keyboard. I just wish I could have my laptop, I'm temporarily separated from it but, no, I haven't done anything to it.

So far I have enjoyed a nice party for my family members for completing the easiest part of my life. Now I'm just waiting to get a good job. but it looks like I lost ALL of my files, including my two resumes. fucking sucks doesn't it? I dont know when i will post. stay tuned i guess.

6:30 grad practice.

One thing you should know about me is that I'm not a early bird. I HATE waking up early and I HATE my existence during this time.
I am crabby and useless.
But can you believe the school orchestrated this.
Just cause THEY don't have any papers to grade doesn't mean I'm not busing sleeping and stuff..
oh well.
practice here I go?

The beginning of the end.

Hello little stars, the earth says HI to you!:3

well two good things happened yesterday and today.
The first is that my laptop, a white vaoi died. That's not the good news, the good news is that I got my money back and bought a black asus. That's the good news. It's pwetty and it's sleek and and and I promise not to spill milk on this one >.< I think best buy is actually loosing money with someone like me around ._. oh well, the other good things is that today is my last day of school:D

Technically speaking it isn't till tommorrow, but I will dedicate tommorrow to go job hunting since I'm poor and not THAT smart to pay for college. And I'm giving up one of my scholarships in order to pay my mother the difference in the amount since I had to purchase the insurance again...because you know, I'm accident prone.

Anyways, so guess how I'm spending my last day? Playing a Candy Crush tournament with my friend. We didn't feel like using are true emails so I borrowed another one.. I truly feel sorry for fireandice@live.com xD
I mean how can that even exists? well never mind. Right now I'm cracking up because my friend's sister just told her she needs to meet guys to "put a ring on it". Hilarious and priceless.





Anyway, I feel like I need to fix lots of things in my life before I leave. Good thing it won't be until 4 years for me. My small town doesn't have the type of school I want to attend after getting my degree. Either way, this is just one step to something greater. I'm gonna stop listening to the people around me. They don't know me, so why should I follow something that in their minds sounds sane but I know for a fact I might be insane? Oh well, you know what they say, a crazy person never questions his sanity...

30 day challenge. CHOOSE WISELY

So...I've been thinking about being part of the 30 day challenge thing that has gotten real popular in tumblr. Here are some of the challenges I would like to do for this summer:






and the one I might end up doing for sure:


If you guys could PLEASSEEE vote then go for it. If you can't vote then I hope you enjoy my annoying-ness  but I promise I will make additional posts including the one of the challege, INCLUDING MY AWEE-SOMEE jokes which I know you guys love;)

The difference between virtually and literally

*DISCLAIMER* THIS JOKE IS FOR THE SAKE OF ENTERTAINING AND NOT TO BE TAKEN AS AN OFFENSE, SO DON'T TAKE IT IN ANY OFFENSIVE MANNER!


So one day little John asked his dad
"Dad, what's difference between virutally and literally?"

His dad responds:
"Go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for one thousand dollar."

So then little John goes and asks his sister:

-"Would you sleep with a man for one thousand dollars?"

-"Of course I would!"

Little John runs to his dad and says:
"Dad, dad, she said she would!"

The dad responds:
"Now, go ask your mom if she would sleep with a man for one thousand dollars."

Little John goes and asks his mom:

-"Mom, would you sleep with a man for one thousand dollars?"

-"Yes, who wouldn't?"

Little John goes back to his dad and reports:
"Dad, dad, She said she would!"

The dad says:
"Finally, go ask your brother if HE would sleep with a man for one thousand dollars."

Little John doesn't understand by this point, but he still goes and asks his brother:

-"Brother, brother, would you sleep with a man for one thousand dollars?"

-"With this crisis who wouldn't? Of course I would!"

So then Llittle John tells his dad:
"Dad he said he would!"

The dad responds:
"So you see son, virtually speaking we have three thousand dollars, but literally speaking we have two sluts and a faggot."

A word to the wise.

So a lot of things have happened and soon I will be able to write even three times a day.

First big thing that is happening is that I'm finally finishing high school so yay for me!
Second thing is that graduation is just around the corner and I'm looking desperately for a job. As a matter of fact..my birthday lands on the last day of school so I'll search for a job until then. I need to get a job to buy clothes and other things:3 It'll be nice to have a job, besides I want to earn my own money you know? AND I have to pay for college since I'm poor and I don't have rich parents who  cover my education.
So, it sucks to be part of the low-middle-high-low-middle low class:3

Second thing is that I got in a fight with a friend. So she told me I had an attitude problem and said I didn't see how people viewed. She ignored me for two days and one weekend until I talked to her. The first time I said sorry another friend said it didn't sound sincere. I apologized the next day and got ignored. Now I'm still getting ignored and I'm the one with an attitude problem?
Oh well, reality being I'm not made to beg and I won't. I can't really explain my way of thinking, but yes I messed up and I apologized for it. But after getting ignored after saying sorry and everything being "alright" I can only be pissed. I value friendship. But if you really don't fully accept my apology then I can't do nothing much about it. I'm tired of the drama, so I guess this is it.

I really wanted to make the best of it since it's the last year and all... but if someone else doesn't care why should I? I won't try to make them understand the value of my friendship. I really tried to make it up, but if they're still not comfortable with me then I guess. Maybe it's best like this, that way that person doesn't have to be putting up with me in a way.

As foolish as it sounds right now I'm crying because its almost as if that person doesn't care..how can you ignore someone who hurts and who did their best to make it up to you? How can you still ignore that person? Are they THAT worthless?

I guess I am.

What I hate the most.

Thinking about someone and then being treated like shit by that person.

It may not look like it, but I've been hiding my tears all day.
I hate drama. I'm sick and tired of not being able to trust...
I'm sick and tired of being played.
I'll just ignore it.
I should never expect nothing for anyone.
I'll always end up disappointed.
Just like now.

Dead mailman.

A little joke for you people...
So a couple starts asking about how to control the labor pains. The wife is going to have a child in a day's time, and the husband is really worried. The doctor says not to worry, he has a pill that will make the mother feel no pain at all, instead, the father of the baby will feel the pain. So then the day arrives, and the baby is born. The couple is thrilled because both the wife and the husband felt no pain at all. The husband exclaimed, "Doctor, that is a hell of a medicine you got there, I didn't even feel ANY pain!"

So when they get home, they get the surprise of their lives: the find the mailman dead on their porch.


It took me time to get this...muahahahaha. Hope you enjoy it, I'm trying to get better at this joke-telling-ish thingy:3

Past, Present, and Future.

Past: My past is marked by being extremely confusing and weary. Now, I don't remember most things that happened back then. I know I used to be bullied, and I an vaguely remember those days or the faces of those people. I know it was the whole class upon to a certain grade level, and I've seen them around this small town. I'm a forgiving person...but I guess everyone has their limits. Whenever I see them I act cold towards them and make extremely sarcastic remarks. I remember hurting a lot of people in the process of becoming a better person. I'm not exactly mature...but now I understand- and I know I will get to understand more stuff in the future to come. It's just so weird to be aware of this change...to be aware of the person I used to be. Now I see all the mistakes I made and I look back to my old self- I wish I could bitch slap her and tell her to snap out of it. Many people use the "time machine" line...(If I could go back in time) but to be honest, I guess we can't do much. Somethings are meant to be, others are brought upon ourselves BY our own choice... I've changed so much. I'm still changing. Or maybe it's just the knowledge that has shaped me. I haven't changed, I just know more.

Present: I am characterized as an outsider.. one of those people that can get along with the "popular" ones only if I'm the last resort... and yet I can't hang out with the "weird" ones because I'm another type of odd...For some reason, people never feel comfortable near me. I find myself easy to get along with... but I might be too pushy and I've been making up my mind to behave lately. To be nicer...but then again I don't want to buy friends with fake kindness... I want it to be genuine. But I can't do that if it doesn't come within...So I'm stuck in the same place I started: With the desire to be better but with the doubt from stopping me to do so. People label me as "intimidating" because of my attitude.. but I really don't mean it that way. If it comes out aggressive, it's just because I've been used to harsh treatment, jokes, side remarks, stuff like that... I've gotten better at it. But it's still not enough. I hope one day to master this. My aggressiveness only pays off in a debate, and in contradicting an insult that is aimed towards myself or my friends or anyone at disadvantage. I'm the type of person that stands up for others. Now, I find myself under the dilema of wanting to leave....the yearning for a new scenery, for a new place, for new experiences, for a new life. But...I can't let go of the thing I love the most. The person who 'saved' me from what I used to be. I wasn't a pleasant person for a while..my anger and other feelings translated into a confusing motive to become a disgusting person. I feel safe near that person. I feel accepted as silly as that sounds. It feels like family, since mine has always been too expecting, too rejecting, too seperate. It's awkward for me to be in an atmosphere that is so united.. I'm awkward in any kind of situacion expect reading alone... But people don't see that. I can be confident..but I will always doubt myself..I expect to much..but that person told me I was enough. I believe him more than I believe myself. I know who I am, and I KNOW it's better this way. For the sake of what's left of my sanity. Whether I'll leave or stay, I guess I'll make the best of it.

Future: I have an idea of what I want...and I am sure I will achieve it.. I also desire to be part of a family. A place where I won't be as awkward and I won't have to hide... A calm atmosphere that won't trigger my weird mood swings. I can be happy by myself, and laugh by myself..but it feels empty. I want to have a purpose, something that will make me feel fulfilled. and as strong as it sounds, something that will make my life seem worth it once I die. I don't want to be one of those millions of people that dies and goes unnoticed. As long as I impact ONE LIFE, whether it be an animal or human, I will fulfill my purpose.

Many people wish they could read other people's minds. Well, I just typed out my most sincere feelings. They may be confusing and contradicting, but I'm working them to be straight and understand. I must understand myself before I understand the world. Hope you enjoyed knowing what one person out there in the world is thinking. Maybe I'm walking amongst you, unnoticed. Be aware of what other being is thinking, try to drift away from your own perspective
.

Comment below:)

Crazy things jealousy makes us do & people watching you eat

There are many things people do..I usually end up growing jealous of people and events. I've been jealous of a beautiful girl (who hasn't), of a baby, and of other things as well. I consider my character to be extremely odd. First of all, my anger seems to be pointless at times. Once I get mad, I NEED to explode or I will just be irritated and I'll just make a nuisance of myself.  Now, I'll explain the steps of my feelings building up to the acceptance of jealousy.

1. Annoyance: I will grow extremely annoyed at that particular subject or person. I'll eventually be unable to restrain my comments and show my jealousy. I will deny it even if it is brought up and I will hide it, which I'm excellent at. I'll make it seem like they wronged me in some way or another and this will be enough to mask my disgust at the person and myself.

2. Anger: I will eventually grow inpatient at myself and others. I will get mad at anything. The difference between this and annoyance is my atitude. During this period, I will become somewhat violent, and I will throw things at people for no reason. (And I have, like some girl walking down the street got hit by a pen I threw at her after a comment my boyfriend made). Finally I will fall under the mood I'm mostly in.

3. Depression: I'm usually in this mood since I always undergo hardcore mood swings and since everything that rises has to fall, well so does my mood. Sometimes I think I'm sick...but oh well. Under this mood I will curl into fetal position and cry. I will be tight ball of feelings that doesn't want to see anyone. This phase doens't usually last, and it lets me express all my anger, and release it.

4. Acceptance & Happiness: This is the last step. I'll come to accept the terms of my jealousy, what I could do better and how i can become better.  I'll try to see the good stuff in my as well and try to compete to become better. I know my determination: when I want something, I'll get it. So after I accept my jealousy I'll feel better with myself and everything will seem better.

The curious thing about all these steps is that it only lasts about one day, sometimes a hour. I tend to change moods rather quickly.. You have no idea how it annoys the people around me. But I guess that's what you have to put up with:P 

For example, one day I was growing pissed at my boyfriend paying more attention to other matters after having 'stolen' (these are the words I used in my mind and what I thought of) time with me and going with his friends. You might be thinking, GIVE HIM A REST. Well, he spends a week with his friends, sleeps over three days out of five and spends the rest of his day with them the other two. I only see him two days... maybe I'm asking for too much..but he doesn't talk to me during this week and I can't call him and stuff like that. So I grow extremely pissed when he's not with me during our time. I may not look like it, but I do have patience. However, I usually find the way for him to pay me what he owes me. 

Another time was when a drunk girl got near him and touched his face, grabbing his nose and talking in drunk giberish.. I'm not saying I'm unreasonable... BUT she can't be mentioned in front of me, and I can't see her without the urgency to throw something at her, make sarcastic comments and nasty remarks and so on. She's that ONE PERSON that no matter how nice she is, I will NEVER let her be near me. I know I can be really really unpleasant once I'm pissed, but the funny things is that she doesn't seem to understand it's her. All the other people think its extremely funny to see me constantly bringing someone down.. I hate to be the center of their entertainment but I just can't hold back.....One day I shall do something that will make me stop xD

Aside from being a huge ball of feelings, I can get hurt EXTREMELY easily. that's why I tend to shut myself and read....Maybe there is something wrong with me.

Finally, I will tell a random anecdote. The other day I was riding the charming public transportation. I had recently purchased a double ice cream cone, and I was eating it. I was enjoying it. Then I see a couple sit in front of me AND THEY WOULDN'T STOP STARING. (If there's something I hate, is people watching me eat. IT CREEPS ME OUT). I tried to finish my ice cream cone as quickly as I could, and when I did, the guy called me out and made the motion for me to clean my chin.... My first thought was never to ride the public bus again. After I got off I realized they must've been staring at me the whole time. Now I am paranoid about stuff like that.... sometimes I feel like I'm the only person on earth that this would happen to.

Sleepless nights and hour-long torture

Hello people of the world who live outside my own perspective.
In this last day a lot of things have happened.
First off, my laptop is held captive by geek squad and they're trying to resurrect it...
It will be back app. by June 7. Sucks right?
In the mean time, I'm stuck using my sister's ipod which I happen to despise. The screen is too small, you can't watch movies or anime and I end up with A LOT more typos that I would usually have since I am too clumsy while using the touch screen keyboard.

With my finals FINALLY done I can write now daily once more. I am tired, I have bags under my 'eyes and I just wish I could sleep FOREVER. But then again I think that's called dying....
Anyway,
I have a deal with my sister, since she's super forgetful and tends to loose her keys, then I lend her my keys in exchange for  her to open the door for me right away. Well, she fell asleep. I  live next to chong neighbors who are just vulgar and those kind of creepers that think you're hitting on them just by existing. Just like the sutpid man that said hey to me. I wear two braids, baggy jeans, and a long t-shirt, and I still get treated like a  common WHATEVER. Any way, so I knock for a whole hour without any response. I get frustrated and I start kicking the door etc. I had to wait until my mom came around an hour later. SHE WAS THE ONE WHO OPENED THE DOOR. you had no IDEA how angry I was. The neighboors who are about 13 or 14 were just staring at me, asking me to go into their house. DISGUSTING. I just flicked them off, just like I  do with the perverts. I know my rights, I can just press harrasment charges on if the stepped our propety or our side of the apartment. That was that.

Then before that, I had left school after lunch to go volunteer at the local animal shelter. It wasn't as depressing as I thought. it actually seemed like a nice place and the people were nice to the animals. I volunteered for three hours straight walking the doggies and shredding paper for the kittens:3 It was cute, and I cried when I saw the dogs they had confiscated for animal cruelty. I also cried when I saw a kitten that had been left by their owner and the kitten wouldn't stop meowing: it was looking for its owner. Someday, I wish to start a campaign addressing this problem. It's sad. It hurts me such much... Ignoring your pet who adores you and needs you is like ignoring a child...but I guess heartless people are truly heartles... (NO DUH)

Btw, I hate people who use excuses that don't make sense.. For example, near the end of my time at the shelter, one of my classmates came in. SHE'S ALWAYS LATE. I had her for french, and she would always be late on some other excuse. Her excuse was that she had school and couldn't come early. Let me tell you something, she's always late, never on class, and says she's too involved to concentrate on the current assignment. Well I had school and I decided to ditch it. I know my priorities. The lady in charge of the volunteering looked at me and the my other classmates who arrived one hour later, thinking along my lines.
Funny how a late bird will always remain one.

anyway, now I am using a school computer and telling you all of this. I'll get home, walking under the BURNING sun, and just eat. EAT EAT EAT. And read. I wish I could sleep, but then I'll just sleep all day.. I'm thinking about not coming to school on Friday. I can afford and absence. What do you think? A day to rest and perhaps convience my boyfriend to go to eat? That would be nice. I've been having nightmares again out of so much worries.... But once all of this is over I won't feel as anxious.
I really hate feeling anxious, how are you feeling?

Dying...

So hi! I haven't posted in like four days or so. And yes, I have an explanation but not that it matters or that you'll listen. So instead, read about my days and my problems so far:

I was supposed to finish a smash book for my government class and this is to be two examn grades and I-don't-know-how-many daily work grades. SOOO I still haven't finished and this was finished yesterday. Yes, I know, thug life, such a thug your work is one day late. BIG DEAL. Well, you see I'm actually afraid of that teacher and last time I runed in a big project like this on time I got a B, and I thought I did good. So, as you can see, I'm scared. But I'm still trying my very best to complete this. I feel like this is how they think right now:

Additionally, today has NOT been my day at all.
Today, I woke up early so I can finish my final for English. My final for English was on Marcist Criticism and I had to write about A LOT. So I wake up at 5:30 AM so I can have time to write it. So what happens? I SPILL MILK ALL OVER MY LAPTOP KEYBOARD. So I think, shut it down, take of the battery and let it dry. Well, as genius as I am, I left ALL my work inside the computer, didn't save, tried to turn it back on, and the keyboard messed up. I cried and screamed at my laptop.

I just won myself a trip to see a guy from Geek Squad. I don't want to loose my laptop for another two weeks T_T.
Anyway, so I try my best to do some things on school computers, the computer lab with an excellent printer gets flooded with underclassmen, so I head to the library. I will use an ipod to complete my homework, and I will write by had like our ancestors used to. Right now, I'm at my school's library, typing this for you just so you know I haven't died but probably will....
Today is the last day of finals, and after I turn in the smashbook and math homework I WILL BE FREE. In the mean time, I suffer. WISH ME LUCK!

Men -.- Women -.- Everyone -.-

Have you ever done anything soooo embarrassing but you did that out of your impulse? Because YOU FELT like you NEEDED TO DO THAT? How do you feel after the anger? After you find out you're wrong? Then the other person tells you off and you're all like SHUT UP! I KNOW! Why do you bother me? Sometimes I feel like telling them, "HOW CAN YOU EVEN TALK IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE COMPLEXITY OF MY FEELINGS AND CHARACTER???".

Must. calm. down.

And then you find a way to get back at them...

But you know what's funny? Many people hate people like me... People who just want to be with you and be happy and don't understand how that can be. How is it possible that one person can't get enough of you even if you do all types of things to them? 

It's just tiring sometimes.. To give everything you have and just be ignored..

Doesn't it happen to you?

When you just want to run away, and hide?

Or start of something fresh, far away from anything known?

I wish I had the courage to do something like that. I find myself tangled by different things.

Hopefully one day I can break free.

I'm tired of everyone right now:)

The day-that-must-not-be-named is approaching.

Hello! Today I went to another awards nights for being in a special program. The truth is, I've only been like two years in this thing since I'm a transfer student, AND I didn't even go through the selection process, application and all that stuff. Actually, I was just asked if I wanted to do it and I was like sure why not? Thus I am in the program and still am. This is how I have an internship at the local courthouse. Anyway, so you can have an idea of my graduating class, I present to you the event that happened today:

First event:
*they call up a girl up to receive an award*
The girl looks to one side, then to another and says "what do I do? What do I do???" It takes another three minutes for the guy next to her to make her stand up and walk over to the awards table.

Second event:
*They move on to the next award section*
Then a girl, surprised says "WHAAAAAAAT?" out loud.

So you see, my generation is a mixture of a promising future and idiots. Oh well, I might be one of the idiots myself right?
Many people are already talking about how they're going to cry on graduation and stuff like that.
But the truth is, I don't think I will. To me, this is just a small step towards something bigger...
I could be doing something more useful with my time, but I failed to get into that school.
I'm not as smart as I wish I could be, or a cheater that will cheat in every test with her smartphone like
some of the smartest students in my school.
I'm actually just a regular person who accepts failure, and uses it to get better.
I'm tired of this already, and I'm ready to start a new adventure.
Who isn't right?
This is a picture of the my cord and stole (I censored it for fear of being kidnapped and and and and killed by some weirdo, not that you are weirdos but I've watched too much CSI, Criminal Minds, you get me, it's our fear for this 1 out of 100000 thing to happen to us.... ENJOY THE PICTURE:

(yes, I censored it using paint, I think paint is underestimated and bullied by everyone. It is actually fun to use, if you are creative enough)

I also worked out today again, my second day! Yay! Two day anniversary! I celebrated with some Dairy Queen;) A good ol'oreo blizzard for me. My mother asked me why it could tilt without falling... my answer? Density. How dense does it have to be for it to fall? The truth is it may fall soooooo slow that it doesn't fall in that half a second they tilt it. But, if you look closely, after like two minutes, it may fall.
I just eat it either way. Like a Cheeto after you burn it to see the calories.. I still ate a whole bag.

Before I leave for the night, I shall post to you my find on youtube. Oh, I love youtube comments and commet-ors everyone is so like the internet: defensive, narrow minded, and open about their ideas and questions<3 If you can, answer this question, it will be the question of the day:D   :

*For those of you who don't know who super junior is, it is your homework to give me an opinion about
them.... PARTICIPATE PEOPLE PARTICIPATE!

Working out

I decided I need to "tone up" a little. I couldn't even finish the first video... IT WAS HARD! I can barely breathe, but all this will pay off *hopefully* in the end. All you people that play sports or exercise regularly like that old man that takes both of his dogs for a jog every day and picks up his chihuahua after it's too tired (yes it's super cute, and I get to see this every morning as I walk to my bus stop). I still have two more videos to go through that make up my whole training session not including other two forms of exercise that I will not reveal...okay one of them is yoga, and I've grown fond of it since I admit to having sleeping problems and I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, several times, and take about twenty minutes to fall asleep again. However, with yoga I can fall asleep through the whole night and feel rested. So it works wonders on me, besides I tend to have an excessive amount of energy, so yoga calms me down a bit...
I hope that with time I will be able to go through all my work outs. I won't push my body to it's limits  instead I'll slowly add more to my routines until my body can handle it. I won't tell you about the other form of exercise cause I make a lot of fun of it, but I've decided I need it. So, now I'm out to complete homework, since I once hear that "you have to train the body and the mind" so that they are balanced. I'm off people of the internet!
I present to you the picture of the day (my friends always say this-the bottom picture-whenever say something 'meaningful':

btw, this is the picture that I posted on my boyfriend's wall:

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT I still haven't gotten a respond. What do you guys think?

Twerking & The Importance of Food

You know what's the best place to see all kinds of species in their natural habitats? AT SCHOOL. You see the nerds, the jocks, the weirdos, the cool people, the druggies, the wanna-be gangsters, the yolo #swag, etc. I have found a flow chart the depicts all of this, and I present it to you NOW:

Have you ever been in that position in which you are too cool to hang out with the weird kids but too weird to hang out with the cool kids? Well I find myself in that position....But, luckily I HAVE FRIENDS even if my mother claims I lie about them. One day, I was buying chocolates for them, and she asked who they were for. And I'm like, "Oh! They're for my friends, Juliette and Fudith." My mom's answer? "Aren't the same one? I know you only have two friends so don't lie okay?" My sister had the laugh of her life when she heard this. I often bother my sister for something else, but that is another story to tell:D Now, I shall tell you what I overheard during one of my classes. You might think, OMG WHAT A LOSER OVERHEARING PEOPLE'S CONVERSATIONS! Well, if they weren't making a point of asking around the whole room for other people's opinions I might have respected their privacy. So now they will get published:D

So, a group of three or four girls were talking about "twerking". 

Let me explain to you this phenomenon now practiced by the lower species with one simple image:

Yes, this is barbaric and incites vulgar behavior, but this is the new generation folks. Anyways, they were

talking about how who can twerk and who can't and some video on youtube blah blah blah... But that is 

not my point! My point is, they CONTINUED TALKING! They were discussing the "sexiness" in twerking and how it meant certain things like "wanting the d". I know, 

I refuse to recognize any form of dance that gained fame through Jersey shore or was invented 

by a drunk. 

So, with this I arrive at the last point of this post:

FOOOOOD!

I will recount something that actually happened today so you can get a glimpse of the person I am in the rl world:P For a class we're suppose to build our own box that has to by 1" x 1" and we choose what's gonna be the filling or what's made of it. The point? To place an egg at the center of this box, and when they drop it from a determined distance, the egg must remain intact after the fall. I decided to make my box a regular one, filled with balloons that will be tightly put together with the egg in the middle, completely protected by these. I haven't tested my theory, but I will surely tell you about it. Anyway, our school is too poor to supply us with eggs so we must each bring our own egg. However, one of my friends volunteered to bring eggs for everyone (God, alah, nirvana bless her). Of course, the teacher didn't like this and claimed each student is liable for their own work blah blah blah... In the end, the teacher suggested that my friend waste her money on something else. My suggestion? "Why don't you buy food?". Yes, I yelled this out to her. Yes, I yelled this out in front of the whole class, I know they don't bite. I'm just a product of the school cafeteria and the

delicious american junk good multi-billionaire companies. Food, as you know, is sacred, and even if I don't chew 32 times, I eat to satisfy my stomach, not my heart. Yet I can go a day without eating if I wish. I'm just weird. The world is fully of mysteries we will never comprehend, including women.

Here, have a picture of what I did today:

"Your mom is on her knees" & The Nun and the Hippie joke:D

Hola! So one day during class we were going over the Chicano movement. Keep in mind that I live in a very Hispanic town, therefore most of the people happen to be Hispanic (DUH). So our government teacher read the following quote out loud:

"So you see it is up to the White population to keep the Mexican on his knees in an onion patch."

The response of one of my female classmates?

"Your mom is on her knees!"

Yes, best thing ever. Ladies and internet navigators I present to you the future generation, but hey at least we're not boring! We'll be the weirdest grandparents ever:)

So I know most people aren't even truly white.. and that's okay. Racism has really been something that has been somewhat eradicated BUT we still label each other. No biggie:3 But the picture below depicts how I feel sometimes:

In order to lighten the mood I, the master of jokes, shall write a joke:

So a nun gets on the public bus, and a hippie that happened to be sitting in a corner saw her and started to lust after her. As the nun sits down, the hippie quickly seats and sits right next to her. He tells her, "I've always had the fantasy to have sex with a nun."
The nun looks utterly disgusted and as before she gets of the bus she says, "Sorry, but I am devoted catholic, chaste nun!"
The bus driver looks at the hippie who is very sad, so he tells him, "You know, she prays every night around midnight at the cemetery."
The hippie decides to show up dressed as a saint and get the nun to make love with him.
He shows up around midnight at the cemetery. He finds her easily, and she's praying on her knees. He tells her, "God has sent me to make love to you sister!"
and she responds, "Okay, but let's do anal since I have chastity vows."
So then the DEED gets done (as my English teacher says), and then the hippie takes of his disguise:
"HA HA! I'M THE HIPPIE!"
Then the nun takes off his costume: "HA HA! I'M THE BUS DRIVER!"

Hope you guys enjoy! Don't trust any bus drivers my little readers:3
If you know any comments, please do share!

50 Questions

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? 
Yes, I was named after a Mexican painter. GUESS WHICH ONE.


2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? 
About two days ago because I get hypersensitive and and and and I just turn into a big ball of feelings. (Women.)


3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? 
Yes, it is unique and unmistakable. (You’ll know it’s mine)


4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? 
HAM.


5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 
No, I do not.


6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? 
Hell no, I’m too weird and demanding. I’m surprised I even HAVE friends.


7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? 
Me? Nah. (Sarcastic)

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? 
Yes I do.


9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? 
Yesh;) I’ve always wanted to, AND I WILL DO IT!


10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? 
I don’t really have one….I just eat….


11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? 
Yes I do. I tie them EVERY time I put them back on.


12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? 
Who doesn’t? But then again I can’t even open a pickle jar . I’m guessing anger will work wonders with me;)


13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? 
An oreo blizzard from Dairy queen or vanilla’s (you can add oreos and Hershey’s chocolate syrup with strawberries on your own)

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? 
The way they talk and were they’re looking at.


15. RED OR PINK? 
Pink. One of my friends would say it is tres kawaii.


16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? 
My nose and my size. I always get picked on for both.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? 
The person I spend a week waiting to see, my boyfriend.


18.WHAT IS THE MOVIE YOU WATCH WHEN YOU’RE DEPRESSED? 
Don’t judge: Wild Child.

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? 
Colorful checkered (including green, white, yellow, pink, black)


20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? 
Animal Crackers. I LOVE ANIMAL CRACKERS.


21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? 
My friends criticizing the graphics and logic of a video game.


22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? 
Blue or white.


23. FAVORITE SMELLS? 
Rice pudding, cinnamon, and lavender.


24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? 
The College Board assistance person.


25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE? 
Mountain hideaway to be with the birdies and animals and stuff while you climb and gather fruits:D


26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? 
Diving, for various reasons…The girls are so graceful, the guys look amazing in their swimming trunks;)


27. HAIR COLOR? 
Un dyed is brown caramel. Faded dyed color is a lightish brown.


28. EYE COLOR? 
Dark brown, almost black.


29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? 
Nah, I’m scared of eye diseases.


30. FAVORITE FOOD? 
Mexican dish called “Entomatadas”: corn tortillas fried with tomato sauce and filled with Mexican-style white cheese along with cream and more Mexican white cheese…..


31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? 
Scary movies. I enjoy a good laugh.


32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? 
Up.


33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? 
Green with the Grinch


34. SUMMER OR WINTER? 
Summer. I love warm weather and sun bathing.


35. HUGS OR KISSES? 
Neither, buy me candy!


36. FAVORITE DESSERT? 
RICE PUDDING!


37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO? 
Cardio, one must learn to run from them zombies…


38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? 
COMPUTER! The real me lives on the internet.


39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? 
War of the Worlds by H.G Wells


40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? 
I don’t have a mouse pad, I have a laptop.

41. ANY TATTOOS? 
Nah, I hope to donate blood as charity one day or for family emergency.


42. FAVORITE SOUND? 
Bird’s singing.


43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? 
Beatles!


44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? 
Cancun, Mexico. It was beautiful, I felt like staying there forever.


45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? 
Does eating count? Just kidding, I’m a talented essay writer when it comes to analyzing major works of literature:3

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? 
A small town, south of the United States.

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW? 
That same town.

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE? 
Apartment, brick colored.

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR? 
I don’t have a car, I’m not rich enough.

50. ANY PETS? 
2 dogs: a huge brown Labrador mud and a smaller caramel, white border collie mixture. They are mother and daughter:3

This are things you probably didn't know about me. If you would like to share anything comment away my little ice-cream pies:D

Damn you job system

Today was a very stressful day. Yesterday I was reading all I could in sparknotes (God bless you Sparknotes, Science Bless you, May you achieve the nirvana etc) to prepare for the AP English Literature test. Today I took it, and it was easy. One of the poems was kinda creepy involving strong feelings for a pony or implied bestiality (it was an answer choice), but since I can't "disclose any information" I will talk about my experience after two days in this test. I will say I died mentally, therefore I went home early. I got home to work on job applications, because I happen to be poor and the only way to buy nice stuff and have spending money is to, of course, GET A JOB.
Well, I did my best to look presentable, I wore some nice black slacks and flats in order to look "conservative" (I wouldn't want them to think I dress like a spring breaker at a rave do I?) So, New York and Company rejected me flat out, Kirkland's had a problem with my application (yes I am new at this) and the only nice ones were American Eagle and Aeropostale. First of all, i am not a nice dresser. You should see the way I dress to school, LIKE A GUY. Meaning that I wear a nice t-shirt that covers up my chest (so you can look at my face), nice fitting jeans, and my dirty vans. School is nothing fancy people, I have no one to impress expect the people at my internship (I am an intern at the local district court). I think you get stared at weirdly if you don't dress nice. The only people who don't dress nice or the ones being charged... well anyways, so I officially hate the system.
They asked me to "sell a pen" to the supervisor whatever.
My best response? "This is a pen, and it's American Eagle, BUY IT." We know I'm right. Usually people buy it BECAUSE ITS AMERICAN EAGLE. But, my good sense of humor isn't appreciate so I immediately talked about stuff like "the quality of the fabric", which in a way is true, the fabric is better than the clothes at Wal-mart , I should know. The rest went okay, I really hope they call back, however I was extremely crappy at that mini-interview. If I get called i promise to research on how not to make myself look like an idiot at the interview. Sure, I've done interviews, at school, where I sound smarter than half of my peers. All I can say is, if there is a god or buddha or type of science that grants desires to find a job, they should grant me this desire...
American Eagle is a nice place, and it smells nice also. Rich people everywhere.......But, at least if they look down upon me I won't feel as bad as if a wanna-be chong looked down on me. Another thing they asked?

"Why do I want to work at American Eagle?"
My response: I've always liked the store and the clothes (true), but I couldn't really afford it, I am looking forward to the discount. (I don't know if honesty is the best policy sometimes....)

My grandmother came along with my dear sweet mother. Both were criticizing my decision to work at a "tough labor" place. I don't find anything hard about folding clothes and dealing with people..... Anyways, they suggested a receptionist job. Inside my mind I was like, sure grandma, I'll call up the millions of doctors I know who want some uneducated brat to answer the phones for them. But, people of the internet  they had a point!: They WOULD like a person like me since they wouldn't have to pay me much but minimum wage... I would be happy with just minimum wage... FOR NOW.

Another question they asked me:
"How do you keep up with the fashion trends?"

Okay, here I had to admit my most awkwardest hobbies. I often look up fashion run-aways, but with the worst trends.. so i can at least feel better dressed than them. So my half-way lie was that I look up fashion sites and buy vogue magazines, (which is true, but I only do so to look for "soon" images or fold pages to make people look like they're kissing each other). Additionally I said I look up fashion blogs, which is true. As well as food blogs. I like food.

Job hunting sucks, and I hope the places that rejected me loose all their employees then they'll see how much I'm worth it! Just kidding, I'll probably eat up all the nutella and watch a sad horse movie. Well, no more pony movies for me after the Ap test....

Any recommendations of places in which I could apply? Any bad experiences at job interviews? comment away inhabitants of the internet!


here, have a picture, the world would be boring without images:

Contradictory person.

Have you ever said you wouldn't do something you end up doing?
I'm guessing everyone has, yet it happens to me WAAAY to often. Mainly with a certain person who drives me insane yet I can't be away from. This is the question of the day. Thought of the day?

Men are simple, it's women who are the complicated ones.

As much as we reject this idea, it is the truth. A lot of things kill us, my fellow women. The sad truth is that men don't know what they did half of the time you accuse them of stuff.

No offense, but sometimes we sound like paranoiac hysteric bitches. We are what are environment  family, values, and other outside as well as inside forces have made us. Whether you were always afraid of someone making fun of you like those many traumatized victims of bullying, or whether you were the ones starting the rumors and felt guilt in your conscious. It is really easy to keep men happy in reality, without sex. Sometimes we need to understand pride is human made. It probably wouldn't even exist, since it's not the original sin per say.

We are incapable of thinking under simple terms, and once a person becomes educated he becomes more complicated because he understands the world around him. Ignorance is bliss.
I've learned that men are happy as long as you keep your feelings simple and without fear. I'm guilty of being consumed by my deepest fear which is to be betrayed. However, with this fear I loose sight of those who I fully trust, and I start to wonder if I can truly trust anyone. I refuse to go to a psychologist though, they creep me out, and I am too poor to waste money in such luxury. I handle it the old school way, talking to my self and giving in to my..... JUST KIDDING! I have a blog and that's how I keep sane. I'm still lying, I truly read a book and I feel better afterwards. Sometimes we just need to EXPLODE! to feel better:3 I cry and watch a really tragic chick flick... (Yes, I'm a loser).

Something else that I hate to admit, most problems are cause because we women don't even know what the hell we're fighting  It goes back to that thing that we ALWAYS want to be right... I'm stubborn that way. I know you're too so don't judge me! But, don't over-think  Usually, men have their heart in the right place. They are not like women who are easily prone to backstabbing, lying, gossiping, and stuff like that. Yet, like my sweet old grandmother says, men are the worst gossipers in the world. Don't be too nice either, they might think you want their junk or something. Men, you must understand, if a girl is nice it doesn't mean she wants you. Maybe she's just polite. Politeness is so rare nowadays that it is mistaken with kissing up and automatically wanting sex. I can assure you, the occasional guy who opens the door does NOT want to sleep with you. If it really is that way, however, I am the most naive person alive. Or at-least not yet corrupted as much. Oh well, who do you think is simple? Or are we both not simple? Comment your answer below:D

My day. How was yours?

Something that I cannot tolerate is cleaning up after my sister. She is old enough to take care of herself and yet, as the older child, I always get the blame for everything. I share a room with her, so I'm constantly hitting myself or dropping something because everything is so messy. I don't mind chaos, as long as the floor is visible, but her idea of messy is like having a carpet of clean clothes, dirty clothes, socks everywhere, dirty dishes, homework that was never turned in, random trash, random candy wrappers, etc. It's horrible. So, my kind, sweet mother decided that the perfect punishment was to deprive both of us from the internet. I immediately told her it wouldn't be fair. I wash the dishes, I do the laundry, I clean the room, etc. But don't you hate it when the thing that would solve the problem is the thing they will never do? Oh well, I had to rant about this since I feel like I need to vent myself.

In a non-killing-related type of thing, today I took the AP Chemistry test.
I had several problems with this, the first being that I had no idea. I came late, thank God they hadn't started. Second of all I wish I had an Asian brain during the test. Most of the time I had no idea what I was doing.
Everyone looked the same, for I saw several people who just gave up all hope and were fast asleep at their desk. It was kinda funny watching the test administrator wake them up and them just shooing her away. By the looks of it, no one knew what to do, expect the Hindu guy in our class, he probably aced it with his eyes closed. However, unlike my Hindu classmate, I looked like this:

Cry not for me, my fellow internet comrades, I didn't expect to get credit for the test either way. Due to budget cuts (or more like, TARGETED BUDGE CUTS FOR EVERYTHING EXCEPT UPPERCLASSMEN) we weren't able to purchase the chemicals and other equipment needed to complete required labs, and thus get credit. So, it wasn't so bad, I just mentally died about thirty times. I lived by this picture I saw a few days ago:

Finally, today I received an award at a place I clearly didn't belong. I've never been the smartest, and I will certainly not cheat my way through any test or kiss up to teachers, (besides the fact that I am a bad procrastinator) therefore I am not in any kind of honor society or top 10% etc. However, I received an award for "Outstanding English Language Arts Student". To be honest, I didn't even know that existed, and I have no idea how it ties in with people who received about 30 awards..... My mother, who isn't impressed easily, found this very ironic and amusing. First of all, she considered all of the English language to be ugly and exaggerated  Second of all, she said it was ironic since my last name isn't necessary an all-american one. I can speak two languages just about the same, and I certainly do not speak English at home. After she went on and on about how disappointing she was at me not being in the honor society or top 10 or winning any other award she said it was nice I got a "nice paper" that said "nice work, good for nothing". I laughed and bullied her about my stepfather, who happens to be the fattest, ugliest, and stupid being ever alive. I told her, "At least I have a talent, unlike your "thing" (that's how I call my stepfather, her THING)."
I know what you're thinking, how can you say that to your mom blah blah blah... well, you'd be surprised on the things her *thing* has done to me and my sister. And, yes, I've tried to be civilized  but that man is a special type of stupid... Whatever, I just said that and her sarcastic comments ceased. After a while she seemed sorry, and congratulated me in all due honesty. I would ask her to come live with me after I had completed my career, but I know she would bring her *thing* so I just keep my mouth shut.
Mothers, we can't live without them can we? The want the best for us even if they don't recognize our present talents. If you're a parent, and you're reading this, make sure to tell your kids no matter what their talent is, that they will always be special to you. Now, enjoy my magnificent pain drawing of the *thing*.

**(no offense taken on anything I wrote, but I honestly dislike him. and yes, I drew this on paint, and yes, I draw horrible. In spite of possessing an artist's name I have no artistic talent at all:) Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy:D**

~Any suggestions on what I should write about next or how I should prank the thing? COMMENT BELOW COMRADES! ~